Bullies

First of all, let us determine if you are, indeed, a bully.  I think it’s safe to say that you don’t realize you ARE one, because under normal circumstances bullies are very stupid people with low self-esteems who need to abuse people for some dark, evil reason.  People hate you, by the way.  Nobody loves a bully.

Here’s a quick test to see if you are one:

Do you make fun of fat, retarded, gay, weird people?  Did you just laugh at all of these words?  If you did, you’re a bully.

Do you call people names?  People you don’t know, but just don’t like the way they look or dress or act?  If you do, you’re a bully.

Do your friends laugh when you embarrass other people?  You’re a bully.

Have you read these questions and thought, “So what?” 

Go fuck yourself. 

To those who have been bullied, I dedicate this particular piece to you.  I’m going to write a letter to your bully.  And then I’m going to write a letter to you, the victim. 

Dear Fuckhead (aka bully),

You’re sad and pathetic and I guarantee that your future holds nothing but the essence of your community hating you. 

No.  I’m not being harsh enough.  And wait… I have to remember that you’re stupid, so I have to remember to talk to you in Caveman language…. (Which is hard for me, because I’m extremely smart and evolved and don’t really know Caveman language very well…)

HEY YOU! FUCKHEAD! 

You’re the shit on the bottom of a pig’s hoof.  You’re unwanted.  Nobody loves you.  You’re the reason kids come to schools with guns.  It’s your fault all of those teens are dead. That blood is on your hands whether you want to admit it or not.  What you do to people messes them up psychologically for life.  This means = when you dump that skinny kid upside down in a toilet, you’re giving him a future of fear, chronic anxiety, rejection and possible suicide.  How about I pick up your mother fucking ass and dump you in a toilet?  How about I tie you up to a tree and piss on you in front of everyone?  How about I slam you up against a locker every fucking day just to make my friends laugh at you?  You do realize that abusing people is barbaric, primitive and evil, right?   You’re not any different than Hitler, or Stalin, Saddam, or Bin Laden.   You’re a terrorist.

Oh wait. I forgot.  You’re stupid.  Do you know who Hitler, Stalin, and Saddam are?  You may want to pick up your fucking computer or phone and do a little research (if you can handle that sort of effort and brainpower).    

Oh. I almost forgot!  You want to know the irony of it all?  (You may not know what irony is….I keep forgetting how stupid you are….).  You’re the weak one, Fuckhead (aka bully).  Allow me to paint your future for you: people hate you.  And you hate yourself.  And somewhere between the age of twenty five and forty you’ll come to the realization that you peaked in high school, and everything after was downhill for you.  You’re nothing but a shell that nobody gives a shit about.  You offer nothing to the world.  If you died, nobody would give a fuck.  You’re under the impression that material things will fill those voids and give you worth, but in all reality it sucks everything out of things that are real, and your pool just gets shallower and shallower. You finally come to a point where you realize that you’re worth nothing, that your value is obsolete, that nobody but your immediate family is going to show up at your funeral when you finally relieve the earth of your pathetic, valueless existence.

 That is, of course, unless you change. 

But I’ve seen what happens to bullies when they don’t change.  I’ve seen what happens to victims who rise above the ridicule.  Strength is not determined by your ability to knock someone’s books out of their hands.  Seriously?  How clever do you have to be to do that?  A fucking monkey can do that too.  You’re no cleverer than a goddamn monkey.  But your victims?  Strength is in those who can love you regardless of your pigshit character.  Strength is in those who can pity you instead of revere or fear you.  Strength is in kindness, the ability to rise above the fuckheaded, twisted, demented, RETARDED behavior of a bully.  You, bully, are a retard.  You’re the fucked up one.  You’re the twisted fuck who sucks the souls out of others for your own, personal evil gain.  Am I talking too elite for you, still?  My apologies.  I’m just smarter than you, and I can’t seem to dumb myself down for you.  Overall?  Change is the only thing that can save you, and trust me, you need saving.  You need to apologize to those you’ve fucked over.  You need to figure it out.  A certain kind of Hell waits for you if you don’t.

To the victim:

Rise above it.  You’re stronger than the bully internally.  And?  Stand up for yourself.  In all the fugusting truth of it, it’s what he wants.  He wants his nose broken.  And usually? Even just standing up for yourself with words can do amazing things.  Standing up to bullies confuses them.  They don’t expect it.  And if you’ve got the gumption?  Pop them in the nose .  I know, violent.  Violence, believe it or not, is not something I typically promote.  But I do when it comes to bullies.  If our country won’t stand for terrorists, why should you stand for bullies?  That’s right.  I just compared bullies to terrorists.  Because, in all the fugusting truth of it, that’s exactly what they are.  They prey on the innocent to do nothing more than provoke terror.  And something has to be fucking done about it.  If we can go into Saddam’s country and bomb the hell out of innocents in the name of standing up for ourselves, there’s no reason why you can’t stand up to your bully.  HOWEVER: to make myself absolutely clear, I am in no way, shape or form telling you to commit any crimes.  I’m not saying to bomb your bully, kill him, or do anything illegal.  But I am saying, go ahead and pop him in the nose the next time he taunts you.  I watched an online video, once, of this puny little kid taunting a large, slightly overweight boy (around the age of twelve).  The big kid had enough.  He picked up that little, puny prick and body slammed him on the sidewalk.  That ended the bullying pretty quickly.  And funnily enough, most bullies are puny little twerps trying to compensate for their size.  Their tactic is strictly psychological.  They’re getting you to believe you’re the weaker one.  But you’re not.  Pick up your bully and body slam him if you can. 

If you are being bullied to a point where you’re scared for your life?  (And this does happen….)  You really, really, really need to tell someone that you trust to protect you.  If you’re in school, you need to tell an adult that will be there for you.  Tell your parents, and make it clear that you are scared for your life.  Then get a lawyer and press charges.  Threats, harassment, everything a bully does to you can be punishable by law.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  I.e.) As an adult, if I were to go into a bar, get punched in the face by some stranger, I could sue the fuck out of him.  There’s no reason why you can’t do the same. 

Summary:

Bullies are fuckheads that need to be put in their place, otherwise our environments will always be compromised by their terroristic ways.  Get a handle on it, Grown Ups.  Get a handle on it, passersby.  Yeah, you spectators are responsible too.  If you’re seeing someone being bullied, and you’re not doing anything to stop it, you’re just as awful.  We work as a community and have to take care of each other.  When there are those who are causing a dysfunctional upset in our social system, they need to be disciplined.  If the ants can do it, so can we.  And that’s the fugusting truth, yo.

FAT PEOPLE

Allow me to squash a few myths, here.  There are plenty of reasons people get fat, and there are plenty of reasons people don’t lose the weight.  There are plenty of assholes lame enough to use fat people as an over-done, cliché-as-they-come butt-end to extremely unoriginal jokes, and then there are pathetic, lazy people with food addictions who tell themselves they’re born to be fat so why bother getting healthy.   You want the fugusting truth?

First of all, what’s your definition of fat?  Do you base it on pant sizes?  If you do, you’re an idiot.  If you do, you’re not only ignoring the individual bone structure of most,  but you’re neglecting to recognize that sizes are created by clothing companies who, depending on the company, want you to feel skinny or want only a certain body type to wear their merchandise.  For women, a size six in one store can be three sizes smaller than a size six in another store.  If you’re stupid enough to believe that size matters, pay attention.  I’m going to educate you. 

Every store in the country is surviving off peoples’ uncanny weakness to be manipulated by using one, very simple tool for leverage: our self-esteems.   We are all being played.  Is there anything we can do about it?  No.  Duh.  Of course not.  We need stores and stores need us.  But when those companies are manipulating a universal corrupt value system of what is accepted and what is shunned?  They’re making fuckheads out of us.  Clothing size should not be what gauges our health.  Ever.  Look at it this way:  every store is a salesman at your door.  They’re going to tell you whatever they need to, to sell you their product.  They have that right.  But when they start telling you that you’re too fat (or simply genetically handicapped) to buy their product?  Do yourself a favor, and don’t.  Tell them to shove it up their ass.  If the salesman is adjusting the pant size to make you feel thin?  Don’t be stupid enough to think you still don’t need to go on a diet.  They not only want to make a sale, they don’t give a shit about your health.  So allow me to reiterate: clothing size should not be what gauges our health.  (Unless it’s a plus size, which I touch on later…)

Why do people get fat?  Good question.  The general scientific reason is…well.  Here: I’ll try to explain it as if I’m teaching a really stupid  ten year old:

Let’s say you’re putting sand into a funnel.  If you put in a little at a time, it goes right through easy peasy nice and cheesy.  But if you’re pouring in too much at once, well.  You know what happens.  It piles up.  Sort of like constipation.

So, you see, when people eat more than what their funnel can handle the excess has to be stored somewhere.  In fat cells!  But here’s what you don’t know:  ALL FOOD has calories.  For some stupid reason people think it’s necessary to illustrate fat people sitting around all day eating doughnuts and candy.  Not every fat person is the sugar/junk food glutton you think they are.  Some, yes.  But some bodies need very few calories to make it through the day, especially if they’re not exercising.  And sometimes these people don’t realize that they only need to eat about 1,000 calories a day (most people consume around 2,500).  They eat three normal meals a day just like everyone else, but their body is not burning it off like other people’s do.  Is this an excuse to stay fat? HELL NO!  Figure out what your body needs. And for Pete’s sake, get out and go for a fucking run.  Don’t run?  Then go for a goddamn walk.  The more you exercise, the more you’ll be able to eat.  Don’t try to squeeze yourself into a size six, either.  Remember, clothing size has nothing to do with how healthy you are.  There’s plenty of skinny people out there with heart problems and no muscle tone.  But let me tell you this, too: if you’re going to exercise?  Then you have to fucking exercise.  This means, push yourself.  Don’t walk to the end of your street and call it good.  Sweat.  Make your muscles burn.  If you over do it?  It’s still healthier than not doing it at all.    

What are other reasons people get fat?  Depression.  Unfortunate genetics.  Food addiction.  Medical problems.  But here’s what you need to know:

Depression: Exercise changes the chemical balance in your brain and gives you a high.  No matter how depressed you are (and I speak from clinical depression experience), get your fucking ass up and out the door and go for a goddamn walk.  Start with a walk.  Get it into a run after a week or so.  Hate running?  Buy some dumbbells and dance around your bedroom for twenty minutes.  GET MOVING.  Also?  Stop eating to fill your voids.  You’re filling nothing but your ass.  Health is your best medicine against depression.  And I should know.  So go fucking do it.

Unfortunate genetics: I had a friend in high school who ate three candy bars a day and never gained an ounce. My sister ate bagels, salads and sandwiches, and the size of her ass was the talk of the school (and not in a good way). Our ethnicity may have something to do with it…  But here’s the dealio: you are who are.  Different shapes don’t mean healthy or not healthy.  My skinny friend couldn’t run a mile save her life.  My sister was on the track team and could kick my friend’s ass in a marathon any day.  However, yo, here is the fugusting truth on this one:  regardless of your genetics, being fat isn’t one of them.  There’s no fat gene.  There’s the wide-hip gene, and the big, round ass gene, and the chubby knee gene, and the big bone gene, but there ain’t no fat gene.  I hate to break it to you, but you are one hundred percent responsible for being overweight.   You want sympathy? You have my sympathy.  Now get out and go for a fucking walk.

Food addiction:  You’re no better than smokers, alcoholics, and druggies.  I’m sorry, but you’re not.  All of the above overdose their “drugs” for all the same reasons: self-pity.  For some reason fat people get more sympathy than druggies and alcoholics.  Now, I get it. I do.  Fat people can’t OD on a bag of chips, get in a car and go kill someone under the influence of oil and salt.  I get it.  But fat people (meaning obese, several hundred pounders here) who have food addictions have all the same things other addicts do: enablers, self-loathing, self-pity, and no self-discipline.  I’m sorry, you don’t have my sympathy.  You want to live to be around for your grandchildren?  You want to start living life?  To begin with, tell your enablers to fuck off.  They’re killing you slowly.  What kind of fucking love is that? GET THEM THE HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!  Secondly, talk to your doctor about options.  Thirdly?  DO THE WORK.   Take ownership of your life, and do the fucking work it takes to get it back.  You’re no different than any other junkie. 

Medical problems: Okay, now this crowd has my sympathy.  But it’s still possible to get healthy again.  You just have to figure out what you can do physically, and you really need to think about counting your calories.  Just sayin’.

Summary:

Fat people are ugly.  So are druggies.  It’s hard to have sex when you’re fat, so you may want to do yourself a favor and get on top of that (no pun intended).  Clothing size is a fucking joke, so you ignorant shallow fuckheads who deem a certain size as acceptable and thin? Go to hell and rot.  Don’t like fat people?  Be careful…you could be one someday.  Anything could happen.  You could give birth, you could break your back and never be able to go on that fucking walk I keep talking about, or you could become an alcoholic and consume 4,000 calories a day in liquor.  You never know!  Oh, and if you are fat?  As in, legitimately fat (20+ pounds overweight)?  You’re not curvy, or big boned, or voluptuous. You’re fat.  Plus size is the only exception to my size rule.  Plus size = fat size.  The more you admit to being fat, the more you’ll want not to be.  And the more you want not to be, the more you’ll want to get healthy.  Believe me, I’m doing you a favor.  And that’s the fugusting truth, yo.